Ekstasis: Severus Snape
by ArtemisEpona
Summary: This fan fiction is about Severus Snape and the shortlived happiness he knew before his more bitter years. And to everyone who commented: thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked it!
1. Tobias Reigns

**Chapter One**

"Severus! Severus!"

It was morning and sunlight streamed across the dreary, untidy room of a ten-year-old boy who lie awake in bed, staring miserably at the desk which stood against the opposite wall. He was very thin and pale, with long, greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and dark, sullen eyes. And even though his mother continued to rap on his door in her sharp, brisk way, he pretended to be asleep, continuing to lie in bed on his stomach.

"Severus! _Severus!_ I _know_ you're awake -- !"

"Alright, Mum!" Severus cried at last and rolled out of bed.

He slouched to the door and no sooner had he opened it than a tall, thin woman swept into the room, nearly bowling him over, turned as if she'd missed him, and, seizing his arm, dragged him into the chaos of his bedroom.

"We have to hurry before your father comes back," muttered Mrs. Snape as she searched frantically through Severus's cloths. She pulled out a dark red sweater and pulled it down quickly over her son's head.

"But -- Mum -- I _hate _red! What are we doing!" complained the boy as the sweater was forced over his long nose and greasy hair.

"I wanted to celebrate your birthday before you go off to school," answered his mother, forcing him into a chair, ripping down his tatty slacks, yanking on a nicer pair, and standing back to admire the effect.

Severus pinched his own clothing, repulsed.

"Mum, my birthday's not until -- "

"I know! I know! But you'll be at Hogwarts and we won't get to celebrate. Your father will know if I send a package -- and you know how your father is about birthdays."

"I know," Severus said glumly. "But, Mum . . . Dad isn't coming back this time."

"Don't be silly," snapped his mother, turning away to hide the shimmer of rising tears in her eyes. She waved her wand and began to tidy up the room, but Severus pressed on.

"I heard everything, Mum."

"_Severus_," warned his mother, sounding as if she had a cold.

"He's knows you're a witch and that I'm a wizard --"

"Severus, please . . ."

"He hates us!"

"Enough!"

Mrs. Snape whipped around, her black eyes glittering unpleasantly, and green sparks erupted from her wand. She advanced on her son, spit flying from her mouth.

"I will not have this conversation! Now _stop _this! Do you understand!"

Severus gave her a hard stare and said nothing. She breathed heavily and slouched onto his bed. There was a moment's silence and then she burst into tears. Severus hesitanted, feeling guilty, then went to his mother and touched her shoulder.

"Mum?"

"I -- I don't understand," gasped Eileen Snape. "He said he loved me . . ."

Severus's eyes hardened again as he thought of his father; he hated to see his mother cry. He was patting her shoulder as she shuddered with sobs when the front door banged open and shut so hard that several books and pencils rolled from Severus's desk and thumped on the carpet.

Mrs. Snape gave a small hiccough and leapt to her feet.

"He's back early," she hissed, twisting her fingers. Panicking, she glanced at her wand and then hid it under Severus's pillow. "Change out of those cloths quickly," she ordered her son. "And not a word about -- about last night."

Severus didn't need telling twice. He heard his mother enter the front room downstairs as he pulled the repulsive sweater over his head and threw it on the floor. There was a long creak and Severus knew his father was easing into his favorite chair. Why had he come back? Why couldn't he just go away and let them be?

"Still here, are you? Haven't run off yet?" Observed Tobias Snape when Severus entered the front room. He laughed derisively. "I suppose you're too young for that yet. How old is the boy now, twelve?"

"Ten," answered Mrs. Snape, her teeth set. "And his name is Severus."

"It's okay, Mum. It's easy to forget about things that aren't_ -- important_ -- to you," Severus said coldly and passed into the kitchen.

Tobias Snape gawked after him, outraged, his hooked nose almost quivering. "Who do you think you're talking to, boy? You think cause you're a little freak you can talk to me any way you please?"

"Don't call my son a freak!" fired Eileen.

"Your son!" laughed Tobias Snape, his blackeyes glittering. "Damn right he's your son -- bet he isn't even _my _son!"

Eileen had been rolling up her sleeves to wash the dishes but whirled around, eyes ablaze. "What did I ever see in you?" she cried. "Why did you come back!"

"Because this is my house, and that boy better rudy-well get used to it," answered Tobias nastily. "Strutting around here as if he's master of the house just because his _abnormalty_ blew up the China last Christmas!"

"He wouldn't have blown it up if you weren't such a -- such a --"

"Such a what?" Tobias asked with a mocking smile. He rose from his chair, crossed into the kitchen, and towered over Eileen. "Say it," he dared, fists clenched.

"I hate you!" Eileen burst, and gasped at her own boldness, at the white flush on her husband's stunned face.

Tobias grabbed her arms roughly and the dishes crashed to the floor where they smashed in a white heap. He shook Eileen hard, his eyes menacing, his teeth flashing.

"What did you say to me?" he demanded furiously.

Eileen was sobbing, but she cried again defiantly, "I hate you!" and Severus winced in the corner as the blow his father gave her cut the air like a whip. Eileen slouched to the floor, sobbing still, her face red from the strike.

Tobias whirled on Severus, who was glaring heatedly at his father.

"What are you gonna do?" dared Tobias nastily.

Severus stared at his father and said nothing, hatred in his eyes. There was nothing he could do. The truth was he was ten-years-old, skinny, and weak while his father was much older, much bigger, and much stronger.

"That's right," Tobias sneered. "Nothing." He whirled on Eileen again, "Clean up this mess!" and he stomped from the kitchen and up the stairs.

Severus watched his mother scoup the broken fragments of dishes toward her knees, her body wracking with sobs, before he crawled to her and touched her arms to stop her.

"Oh, Severus," she whispered, "I'm so sorry you had to see that. One day we'll leave him, Sweetheart. One day it will be over, okay?" She stared reassuringly into her son's eyes, and if it had not been for her tears, Severus might have believed her.

Instead, he crawled into his mother's arms and buried his face in her neck. Closing his eyes, he dreamed of another life in a world far away from the one he knew.


	2. The Color Red

**Chapter Two**

The Summer Severus was ten, the fighting between his parents became so awful that he sneaked from the house as often as possible. With money from his father's wallet, he roamed the streets of London, window shopping, licking an ice cream, watching Muggle men and wondering if, like his father, they ever beat their wives.

Maybe it was a normal thing for Muggle men to do, and Severus continued on with the notion because it satisfied him to lay the blame else where -- in other words, to Severus, his father could not help abusing his mother because he was a Muggle. The simple prejudice satisfied the guilt he felt in hating his father and what's more, allowed him to claim that he understood all Muggles.

Severus was sitting on a bench in the park, throwing his red M&Ms to the squirrels and pondering his newfound prejudice, when he heard someone sobbing and looked up. He had become all to familiar with the sound, having heard his mother cry on several occasions, and knew that the sobbing belonged to that of a young girl.

After a moment's curious searching, he spotted her hiding between two trees in the park, her face buried in her hands. She had long red hair, which repulsed Severus on sight (for he hated the color red), and was sitting with her knees pulled to her chin. Curious but repulsed all the same, Severus crept up to her, still picking the red M&Ms from his ice cream.

"Why are you crying?" he asked the girl, his lip curling.

The girl looked up and paused mid-sob, her mouth open in her confusion. She composed herself rather like an adult, smoothing her hair, dusting her dress, and rose to her feet.

"I'm _not _crying," she said, though her red eyes and tear-stained cheeks couldn't have been more of a giveaway.

Severus licked his ice cream, his black eyes dancing over her curiously, "Where are your parents?"

"They're not here," said the girl. She lifted her chin and said with a proud spark in her eye, "I ran away." She sniffed. "Where are yours?"

Severus licked his ice cream a moment before he answered, "I ran away too. But I'll have to go back at sundown. My mum needs me."

"Oh? Why does she need you?" the girl asked curiously, almost forgetting her tears.

"Why is your hair red?" snapped Severus.

The girl's face flushed and she drew herself up, "I was _made _that way!"

"Well, so was my mum," answered Severus crossly.

"I'm sorry," said the girl humbly. "Is your mum sick?"

"My dad thinks so. She's a witch."

The girl's face brightened, "So am I! I -- I mean -- " her face darkened again and she sniffed, dragging her hand unattractively under her nose."That's why I was crying. I just found out I'm a witch and that I have to go far away because of it."

"They're locking you up?" asked the boy gleefully.

"No," answered the girl, glowering. "They're sending me to this new school where I'll be all alone and I won't know anyone!" and new tears streamed over her cheeks, unchecked. She flopped onto the grass and began to cry again.

Severus stood watching her uncertainly, his tongue paused in its ice cream-licking. He sneered, but was reminded suddenly of his mother's own sobbing and felt a reluctant surge of pity toward the girl. After another moment's staring, he sat beside her beneath the two trees, picked a red M&M from the grass, and offered it to her.

"What do I want that for?" laughed the girl through her sobbing, and she wiped the back of her eyes with one hand as Severus dropped the M&M in her other.

"It's red," he told her casually and licked his ice cream again. "Like your hair. I don't like red."

The girl laughed, "You're not very nice."

"So?" said Severus crossly, licking his ice cream.

"Want to hear a secret?"

"No."

The girl leaned close to his ear anyway and whispered, "I made an M&M fly up my sister's nose once. It was an accident, though."

Severus laughed and stared at the girl with new eyes.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Severus."

"Don't you want to know mine?" she giggled.

"Not really."

"It's Lily Evans. My sister calls me Lilian all the time because she knews I hate it. That's why the M&M flew up her nose."

"Will one fly up mine if I call you Lilian?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I like you," she answered in a low voice.

Severus was startled. He wasn't used to being liked. It gave him an odd sensation in his stomach; he felt as if he'd been walloped there.

"Why?" he demanded incredulously. "Why do you like me?"

"You didn't call me a liar when I said I was a witch, for one."

"Oh," said Severus, relieved. It was something that he could correct and then he could go back to the normal feeling of being loathed. "Oh, that. Well, I'm a wizard myself. That's why my dad hates me."

"I'm sorry," Lily said in a low voice.

"Had to be that way, right? He's a Muggle, isn't he?"

"What's that supposed to mean? My parents are Muggles!"

Severus and Lily stared at each other.

"Then your dad must knock your mum about."

"No, he doesn't," Lily said crossly. "They love each other very much and are kind to one another."

"Liar."

"Am not!"

"Do you still like me now?" Severus said in the hope that she didn't.

"Yes."

"Why? I hate Muggles!"

"Because you don't know any better. My dad says people only hate when they're ignorant, so you must be an ignorant." She smiled at him and held the red M&M up in the sunlight. "And you gave me a red M&M. . . . It was kind of . . . sweet."


	3. On the Train

**Chapter Three**

Severus had never been called sweet before. Lily's words stayed with him as he walked her home, her small, sticky hand in his, and as he walked himself home through the dark streets back to Spinner's End. He had always felt he'd never be rid of Spinner's End, that he would spend the rest of his life there, but Lily's words crowded out all bitter thoughts until there was only one uplifting one left: he was sweet and Lily liked him.

"Severus, have you any idea what time it is?" demanded Eileen once Severus ambled in.

She was wearing an apron and had her hands on her hips. There was a spot of dust on her nose, her hair was gathered in an untidy bun ontop of her head, and she was also wearing rubber gloves. It was clear she had been cleaning without her wand again, for the sake of her husband's rage. She yanked off the gloves, still waiting for an answer.

"Well?"

Severus stood smiling at his mother, humming dreamily. His fists were jammed in his pockets and he pulled one out and opened it under his mother's nose.

Eileen squinted at his hand and then looked at her son as if she worried about his health. "Severus . . . that's a red M&M."

Severus continued to smile.

"Are you ill?" Eileen said in alarm, feeling his forehead quickly.

But Severus only went upstairs to his room and, still smiling, placed the red M&M on his bedside table and went to sleep.

The girl named Lily Evans gave Severus the best summer he was yet to know. They met everyday in the square and had ice creams, or sneaked into the theater through the back exit. They chased each other through the park and climbed trees, had several close shaves with the Muggle police, and once even rescued a lost dog together.

Sometimes they talked with anticipation about Hogwarts and tried to predict their teachers and the other children they would meet there.

"We must remain friends when we go, Severus," Lily would say quietly to the boy as they sat in a tree sharing sweets.

"What if we're in different houses?"

"Houses?"

Severus explained about the four Hogwarts houses. Lily looked crestfallen.

"Oh. But still, we mustn't forget this summer. Promise?"

"Why mustn't we forget?" Severus asked, watching Lily closely. Did she like him as much as he liked her?

"Why, because it's the best summer I've ever had -- and _I've_ been to France." She looked at him and squeezed his hand. "Promise?"

"Alright, alright," Severus answered, shaking her fingers off and sneering. "_Girls_." But he enjoyed her friendship just the same.

When it came time to go to Hogwarts, Severus had many misgivings. Not only did he dread having to be around other children, he was afraid of leaving his mother alone with his father. Though his presence rarely had any effect on his mother's regular beatings, Severus knew he sometimes served as a diversion for his mother. If he could make Tobias chase him around the house, he could ware the man out until he collapsed, puffing and cursing into his chair, and forgot all about his rage toward Eileen.

"Now don't worry at all about me," Eileen told Severus as they stood on the platform before the scarlet puffing Hogwarts Express, as if she'd read his mind. She was straightening his clothes and smoothing his hair, and now she licked her finger and began scrubbing a spot on his face with it.

Severus squirmed away, "Mum! People are watching!"

And indeed, a tall youth with black hair and attractive features was snickering at Severus with his younger brother.

"Bother them," said his mother, beaming at him and cupping his face. "I want you to have a good time at school. And Severus -- look at me!"

Severus's eyes had alighted on the pretty red-haired girl he'd met at the park in London. She was struggling to drag her trunk onto the train with her father, but a handsome boy with wild hair and glasses hurried forward and offered to help. Lily flushed and backed away, and the boy and her father loaded the trunk.

"Thank you," said Mr. Evans, offering his hand.

The boy shook it, but his brown eyes kept flitting toward Lily, who was refusing to look at him.

"What's your name?" Mr. Evans was asking.

"Potter," answered the boy. He looked at Lily and finally managed to catch her eye. He smiled, "James Potter."

Lily ignored him, kissed her father good-bye, and hurried to board the train. The boy was called over by a couple standing on the platform: a tall woman with auburn hair and a man whose jet black hair was as messy as his son's. The boy hurried to his parents, but kept glancing back at the train as if hoping to catch a glimpse of Lily again.

"Severus!" cried Eileen, snapping her son's attention on herself. "My, my, hardly eleven and you're already oogling the girls," she said crossly.

"I _wasn't _oogling _anyone_!" cried Severus, making a disgusted face at the very thought.

The train signaled its departure.

"Oh!" cried Eileen. "Hurry now!" She hustled her son onto the train and stood outside of his compartment window, calling last minute advice. "Have a good time at school! _Please_ make an effort to talk to the other children! Don't ever be afraid of _anyone_! And if you wake up crying -- " she was jogging to keep up with the train as it sped away, "-- send me an owl!"

Severus shut the window and turned, hoping only a few people had heard his mother and not the fifty or so on the platform. But he wasn't alone in the compartment. The same tall youth that had laughed at him on the platform was laughing at him now, his black hair glossy and falling in two tendrils on his forehead. And another boy, the same one with the wild, jet-black hair who'd called himself 'Potter', was standing beside the first with his arms folded. They were both smirking.

"Can I help you?" said Severus curtly, drawing his wand.

"Yeah," said the taller boy. "We were looking for the bloke who cries at night. Have you seen him?"

"We heard he was in this compartment," added the boy with the glasses and wild hair. His wand was in his hand, but he was tapping it against his shoulder, his arms still folded.

"The whole platform heard, actually," added the taller boy, and the boy with the glasses snickered.

Severus's face darkened. He wasn't even at school yet and already -- but why was he so surprised? He knew it had to happen sooner or later.

"I'm James Potter," said the boy with the glasses. "He's Sirius Black," he jerked his head at the taller boy, who wagged his fingers at Severus and smiled sarcastically.

"So you're a first year too, eh?" said Sirius Black with a slight sneer.

"Oh, well spotted, can't put anything past you," Severus answered.

"A tough guy," James Potter said derisively to his friend, glaring at Severus. "Better watch your back, Sirius."

They both began to circle Severus, their eyes dancing with ridicule as they took in his ragged Muggle clothing. They themselves were resplendid in wizarding robes.

"Hooked nose -- "

"Greasy hair -- "

"Mean, _runty_ look -- "

"You're going to be a Slytherin," they both said unkindly, stopping in front of Severus again.

"Bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?" sneered Sirius. "Wasn't a witch or wizard in that house that didn't go bad."

"You outta know," snapped Severus, "_you're_ family's been in that house for decades."

"Doesn't mean_ I_ will!" Sirius said roughly, banging his chest against Severus's, who staggered into the window. "Doesn't mean _I'll_ be a filthy, prejudiced, Muggle-hating -- "

"What did you say his name was again?" interjected James, "Sev-something?"

"Snivelus," said Sirius, looking darkly-amused with his own brilliance. "The boy who cries at night."

They both laughed.

"Hey," said James suddenly, as if a bright idea had come to him. "Let's see how many hexes will make him cry -- "

But the compartment door slid open, and James and Sirius whirled around to see the red-haired girl standing there looking breathless. She couldn't have seemed more crestfallen to have run into James. Severus, meanwhile, was wildly embarassed to have been found by her in the middle of being hexed and two angry, red spots flushed his cheeks.

Sirius elbowed James, who ruffled his hair convulsively and lowered his wand.

"Hey," he said brightly, innocently to Lily.

Lily wasn't fooled. She drew herself up, "What are you doing?"

"Hanging out," said Sirius, throwing his arm around Severus and pulling a smile. "Making friends with Sni --"

"Severus," hissed James.

"-- Severus here," finished Sirius.

Lily cast the two a comtepmtuous look. "Please leave," she said, stepping aside for them to pass.

"But -"

"Please!"

James looked bad tempered and stormed from the compartment, but not before he'd given Severus a filthy look. Sirius followed, but grabbed a lock of Lily's hair and tossed it playfully in her faceon the way out.

Lily slammed the compartment door, then turned to Severus sympathetically, who'd flopped into a seat, looking furious.

"I brought a game of Exploding Snap. A girl down the train let me borrow it," she said, pretending not to have just saved Severus from his first of many battles with James. She sat in the seat opposite him and began to fiddle with the cards.

Severus ignored her.

"It's supposed to be rather fun," she went on bracingly. "The cards explode, or something of the like -- "

"Why are you here?" Severus cut across her, staring miserably out of the window. His mouth was a trembling line. It seemed he was growing increasingly upset.

"What?" said Lily uncertainly, stopping mid-shuffle.

"Why are you here!" Severus said loudly, now glowering at her.

"I didn't want you to be alone!" Lily snapped back. "But if you're going to continue to be an idiot -- "

"I'm_ not_ an idiot!" cried Severus, firing up. But he calmed himself just the same and began to play the game with Lily.

After two trials, he asked her quietly, "Do you like him?"

"Like who?" said Lily, pretending she didn't know.

"You know," said Severus darkly, "That stupid kid -- that Potter -- "

"Oh, him," Lily said and shrugged.

"Liar!"

"Am not!"

"I saw you two on the platform," continued Severus in disgust. "I saw the way he looked at you, and the way you liked it, even though you rushed off."

Lily stared at him. After a while she pursed her lips, a smile puckering around their corners, and shuffled the cards again. "You know what? I believe you're jealous."

Severus's lip curled, "Of you?"

"No. Of James," Lily said simply. "You think I like him, and you're jealous."

"Am not," Severus said grumpily.

"You think I'm pretty," Lily went on, eyes sparkling. "And I bet you even kept that red M&M I gave back to you."

"Shut up," Severus said crossly. He had his wand drawn and pointed it at Lily, "We're on the train now and I can hex you!"

"I'd like to see you try," said Lily, smiling with the hard look in her eye Severus had come to love. She laughed as if she really would.

Severus didn't lower his wand. The two of them were smiling at each other over the tip of it.

"Do you really like him?" he asked again, the wand held absently in his hand as he stared seriously into Lily's eyes.

Lily made a face as if she'd just eaten rotten eggs, "He's a bit of a bully, to tell you the truth. Whatever house he's in, I hope I'm not in it!"

They laughed together, Severus somehow managing to keep his nose crinkled halfway in a sneer. Then Lily offered her pinky finger.

"Forever friends?"

Severus stared at it momentarily as it hung on the air. She seemed so much like one of those girls who would go on to great heights of popularity. And he, Severus, was a bit of a loner. He couldn't see himself keeping up with her, but people like that Potter would be right in her inner circle. He watched her smiling eyes, wondering where the next few years might take them. Would they _really _remain friends? Or would she forget all about him?

"Severus?" Lily said uncertainly; he'd never paused that long before.

Severus quickly licked his pinky and hooked it in Lily's as she squirmed away and cried out in disgust.

"Forever friends!" he cried, laughing evilly as she yanked away.

"You'll pay for that!" Lily cried, whipping out her wand and looking daring.

But Severus made the tip of his wand explode with water in his attempt to hex her, and she fell about shrieking with laughter as her friend's black hair was plastered to his face.


	4. Best Friends

**Chapter Four**

Contrary to Severus's anticipations, school proved much more fun with a friend. Though they were in separate houses, Severus and Lily themselves were nearly inseparable. Severus had never known such ecstasy.

They met often in the library to whisper behind books or in the owlery to try out forbidden items. Lily was the top of their class in Potions and was always willing to help Severus, while Severus was best as Defense Against the Dark Arts and could soon better Lily at anything she lagged at in the subject.

"_Lacewings_ not squidwart!" Lily squealed at Severus.

The two of them were hidden away in the most private place they could practice Potions togther: Moaning Mytrle's bathroom.

"I know!" snapped Severus crossly as he feverishly stirred his cauldron. He paused and wiped his dripping forehead with the back of his sweater sleeve. His narrowed black eyes darted enviously at Lily's cauldron, the contents of which was giving off a rosy pink shimmer as their Potions book had detailed.

Lily shook her head at Severus's boiling, red concoction, bent over his open Potions book, and scribbled a few notes.

"There," she said, straightening up brightly. "Why follow the book's instructions? They aren't helping you a bit. Follow mine," she said to Severus's outraged expression.

"Lily!" he cried, lifting his own book. She'd crossed out the instructions here and there and written her own, even over the original text.

"It will save you a world of trouble," Lily told him casually as she added frog tongue to her potion and it gave a loud hiss. "Do that to all of your Potions books each year."

Severus set his book down again, grumpily resigned, and began stirring his cauldron afresh.

"I don't know why you're so good at Potions," he said crossly, throwing her filthy looks as she happily stirred her own potion, "When it's clear you're -- " He looked startled and stopped himself, glancing at her almost nervously.

Lily had frozen in the act of rolling her sleeves up further. Her green eyes narrowed on Severus, "It's clear I'm _what_, exactly?"

Severus didn't answer her. He went on stirring his potion, wishing he hadn't spoken.

"A Mudblood," Lily said quietly, her hands now at her sides. "You were going to call me a Mudblood!" she accused.

"I wasn't," lied Severus.

"As if you're so 'pure' yourself," went on Lily, sneering. "Isn't your dad a Muggle?"

"Leave my dad out of this," Severus said in a low voice.

"But he is," pressed Lily, "and that makes you half-blood, doesn't it?"

"So what?" demanded Severus, throwing his ladle against the wall now. "So _what_ if I'm half-blood?"

"So what if I'm Muggle-born!" Lily cried fiercely. "I thought your meaness was just an act, but now I'm starting to see that you really _aren't _nice!"

"You aren't nice either!" Severus cried.

Lily stared at him, "What do you mean?"

"The other day -- when Potter was harassing me -- "

"Oh, come off it!" cried Lily over him, her eyes firing incredulously. "Did you really expect me to step in an defend you when you started the whole fight to begin with?"

They stared at each other.

"Potter's no good, Lily," Severus said in a low voice, his chest heaving. "Stay away from him."

Lily lifted her chin, "It isn't up to you to decide who I hang around."

"He's no good!" Severus cried, his eyes wide. "I've seen him and his little tagalongs, always blowing up people's heads, always sneaking around the castle . . ."

"Maybe if you weren't always spying on them you wouldn't notice!"

"And what about you?" Severus snapped. "You act like you don't like him, but I've seen the way you look at him -- "

"People aren't bullies for no reason, Severus," Lily cried. "They aren't born that way, they're made. And just because you hate him, doesn't mean I have to! But I don't like him either -- and that's the end of it!" She'd become so bad-tempered that a few red sparks shot from her wand.

There was a pause as they both caught their breath. Then Lily sat on the wide step beneath the sinks and Severus, hesitating at first, sat beside her. Lily had tears standing in her eyes. She turned her head away and wiped them hastily, but Severus wasn't even looking at her. Instead, he stared guiltily at his own worn shoes.

"You know what I was just thinking?" Severus asked quietly.

"What?" Lily said, sounding as if she had a cold. She still would not turn her head to him.

"Red isn't so bad a color after all."

Lily looked at him at last, her face streaming with tears, and laughed.

"What?" Severus was startled.

"You're weird."

"So?" he said roughly.

"Don't you want to know what I was thinking?" Lily asked.

"No."

"I was thinking . . ." Lily leaned in close anyway and whispered, "You're not so mean after all -- only -- only . . ."

"Only what?" Severus demanded.

"Lonely," finished Lily.

Severus shook his head and stared at the opposite stalls as if he'd only realized, "Not with you, I'm not. Never with you."

Lily laughed again, and Severus was startled into flushing when he felt a light, quick, peck on his cheek.


	5. Princess Perfect

**Chapter 5**

By their third year, Severus and Lily were the best of friends. The only problem (at least to Severus) was Lily's new gaggle of giggling girlfriends. They followed Lily in a crowd wherever she went, and they weren't the only ones who were suddenly finding Lily's company desirable: several boys were turning their heads in Lily's direction too. As Severus had predicted, Lily had moved on to bigger and better friends and new heights of popluarity. She was suddenly invited to summer sleepovers, clubs, dances, birthdays; every boy was jostling for her arm -- and she only thirteen.

Meanwhile, Severus sulked in the shadows, resenting Lily for her newfound popularity yet liking her all the same. He couldn't help but seethe everytime their secret library meetings were interrupted by her crowd of friends or by some young man asking her on a date. Their time in Hogsmeade was always interrupted as well, or sometimes never spent at all, and Lily was showing up for Gryffindor Quidditch practices more and more often as the year progressed.

"What?" Lily demanded of Severus after having politely turned a young man away.

They were in Hogsmeade on a January trip. It was New Years, and a boy had just invited Lily to a party, which she had turned down for Severus's sake. But Severus seemed anything but grateful. Instead, he stalked away, glowering, his arms wrapped tight around his chest and his long, hooked nose red from the cold air.

Lily jogged after him, frowning. "Severus, I can't help it if people like me!" she cried.

"You could," Severus said shortly.

Lily laughed derisively, "How? Sulk behind books and sneer at people, like you?"

Severus gave her a filthy look and stomped faster through the snow.

"It's true!" Lily cried shrilly, hurrying after him, her eyes dark with her frustration. "You don't even make an effort! You just sulk around on your own. You make yourself vulnerable, and then wonder why people like -- like that Potter pick on you!"

"Oh, yes, let's talk about 'That Potter'!" cried Severus, stopping and facing Lily so suddenly, Lily's red hair whipped her in the face as she forced herself to a halt. "I bet you wouldn't keep your friendship to precious _Potter_ a secret, would you? Wouldn't set up secret meetings with him!"

"I wouldn't have to, because -- prat that he is -- people at least think he's cool! But you! You glower at everyone and walk around muttering hexes under your breath! Don't you think that frightens people?"

"That's the whole point," Severus said, his face drawn into a serious expression and his black eyes glittering. "I _want_ to frighten them. It makes me feel . . . safe."

"You never felt safe at home, did you?" Lily said. It wasn't a question. "Because of your father," she added quietly.

"I don't have a father," Severus said coldly.

"This isn't your house, Severus," Lily told him gently. She laid her hand on his shoulder, and he flinched but did not brush her off as he would usually have done. "Your dad's not here. He can't hurt you here."

Severus stared at her then asked suddenly, "Can you keep a secret?"

Lily was startled, but answered, "Yes."

"You're the first girl I ever really liked."

There was silence as they stared at each other. Severus's black eyes glittered without emotion and his face was solemn, but a slow smile crept over Lily's face.

"Do you mean that?"

Severus's lip curled as if he loathed himself for admitting it, "Yes."

Lily's smile widened and she opened her mouth to speak when a familiar voice called, "Hey! Look who it is!"

Severus whipped out his wand in an instant, but it was too late. Someone shouted a curse, and Severus's ears began to grow so large they were soon very like a pair of massive wings. They began to flap so hard, Severus was lifted off the ground as he sputtered to find a bad enough hex. He could hear Lily's cry of outrage, there was a flash of light, and he fell in a heap in the snow.

He was aware of people shouting and a group of students were standing around, pointing and laughing at his shrinking ears. They were shrinking so fastly, that soon, Severus could not hear. His hands grappled wildly at his ears, but a moment later, they were gone. He turned, enraged, to see Lily shouting at James and Sirius. Remus was sulking in the background and soon stalked away, looking gloomy. Meanwhile, Peter was one of the pointing and laughing students.

Severus raised furious eyes to James, who was still standing over him, laughing with the crowd, ignoring Lily's shouts. Then Sirius stepped in, his face full of dark delight, mouthed something, and jabbed his wand. Severus felt his hairline beginning ot recede. His wand had been taken from him long ago, and Peter was holding it, still laughing with glee.

James laughed, mouthed something, and jabbed his own wand. Severus was forced into a wild tapdance, his arms flailing and smacking him in his own face, as his hairline continued to recede. He was helpless, a performing monkey before all those laughing students.

Lily was enraged. She pointed her own wand at James, who was having a fierce laughing fit against Sirius, and both boy's heads began to swell so much that they were both lifted off their feet and onto thier backs. The crowd of students roared with laughter.

But the next moment, McGonagall appeared, sparks flying from her eyes, and the whole mess was cleared up in a flash. James and Sirius had their heads righted, and Severus was given back his hair and his ears. His legs, meanwhile, were so tired from the tapdance that he could no longer stand.

James and Sirius, to no one's surprise, were given double detentions. But there was an audible gasp when the head of Gryffindor house turned on Lily with one too.

"Yes, Miss Evans, you should have left this matter to an authority figure," McGonagall said to a gawking Lily.

Lily did not argue.

A small, seething part of Severus was glad to see Lily get a detention. He felt, perhaps wrongly, that Potter's constant attacks were Lily's fault, not his own. Infact, he was certain it was because of his friendship with Lily that he was often forced into embarassing situations. And when he saw Lily later that week the morning after her detention, he spared her the tiniest amount of sympathy.

" . . . and every bedpan was _filthy_! How did they manage that when no one's been in the hospital wing lately? You think the house elves . . ." Lily's voice trailed off at the superior look on her friend's face.

"That's sounds _awful_," yawned Severus insincerely.

"Why so smug?" Lily asked darkly.

Severus said nothing and opened his worn, secondhand Potions book, pretending to look something up. It was Sunday morning and the library was virtually empty. Lily had found Severus seated near the restricted area where books on the Dark Arts were kept. He often managed to get at them with a false note written byan invented spell of his own.

"Well, I'm glad to see _you'r_e in a good mood anyway," Lily said crossly when the silence drew on. "What are you reading now? Some rubbish on how to twist people's insides?"

She reached curiously for the several ancient books open around Severus, but he lashed out quickly and covered them with his arms.

"None of your business!" he cried, glaring at Lily.

Lily was unphazed. "Since when is anything you read none of my business?" she said cooly and proceeded to yank one of the books from under Severus's arms. She lifted it to her face, and Severus heard the enevitable gasp from behind its pages.

"Severus?" Lily cried, lowering the book. It was open to a page covered in curly instructions on disembowling werewolves, "What -- "

"I told you it was none of your business!" Severus snapped again and snatched the book back.

"Something happened, didn't it?" Lily said quietly. "That night you were in the hospital wing because of the Whomping Willow."

Severus said nothing and lifted his Potions book infront of his face again. When Lily continued to stand there, he muttered, "Go away."

"I want to help you!"

"Don't you have a party to attend? Or a Quidditch practice? Swells Potter's already-swollen-head everytime you show up at those!"

Severus's face appeared over the top of his Potions book, pale and sneering. He stared malevolently at Lily until her face began to flush with her frustration, and she turned as if she would leave. Satisfied with himself (though feeling a little guilty) Severus went back to his book. When he closed it again to pack up and leave, there was a red M&M sitting on the table infront of him.


	6. What's Going to Happen to Us?

**Chapter 6**

The summer before he was to start his fourth year at Hogwarts, Severus did not see much of his friend Lily. Ever since the incident in the library, it seemed a steady rift had been growing between them. Afterwards, they had rarely met in the library anymore or on the bridge or even in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

It seemed Severus's coldness had stung Lily badly, and she gave in to her popularity with a reckless abandon she'd never weilded before. Instead of turning down dates she began to accept them, and soon she was one of the girls who giggled constantly behind their hands as they gossiped about the cutest boys in the school (this, Severus felt, was going a little too far for Lily and he marveled at how far girls would go for revenge). She went to dances and joined clubs like a madwoman and had soon taken on so many friends that even the Slytherins admired her both in talent and in personality. And sometimes, she was even nice to 'That Potter.'

Yet Severus's resent did not stop him from often dreaming of Lily as he strolled the dark streets of Spinner's End alone. A part of him hated her for being the one to forget the summers they'd spent together running amuck in London. But the tiny reasonable part of him liked her all the same -- for he'd been the one who'd driven her away, afterall.

And worst of all was this: Severus could not understand why he'd done it. For he missed Lily terribly once their friendship hit the rocks. He began to realize that the absence of their daily meetings left a gaping hole in his life, and to fill it he only delved more deeply into the Dark Arts, taking comfort in their gruesome spells.

When Severus reached his home that night, it was to find the same shouting going on behind the door. He paused on the front steps, listening darkly, his hand gripped tightly on his wand in his fury. His parents were fighting again.

"Gone! Do you understand! I want that kid gone! If he flashes that wand at me one more time -- " It was Tobias's voice and he was screaming about Severus again.

"What do you want me to do?" Eileen screamed back. "Throw him out into the cold? Make him live on the streets!"

"I will if you won't!" Tobias yelled.

There was a crash and Eileen screamed.

His fury mounting, Severus burst through the door. His father froze in the act of striking his mother, who he was holding up by the shoulder. Eileen was slouched on the floor against the sofa, blood dribbling from her temple.

"Well, look who it is," Tobias said, sounding irresistably like Potter and Black as he shoved Eileen away. "Come to teach me a lesson?"

Severus said nothing. His eyes darted worriedly to his mother, who was crawling toward a bendy willow stick lying on the carpet.

Tobias whirled on her in a flash and dragged her back by the hair.

"What did I tell you about that thing, woman!" he growled, shaking his wife. He raised his hand to strike her again and froze, his eyes on Severus.

Severus was standing with his wand aimed at Tobias's face, his own face etched in lines of fury. "Take your hands off my mother," he said in a low voice.

Tobias stared at him a moment, then it seemed his pupils shrunk and he burst into laughter.

"Or what? What will you do, boy? Turn me into a tea cup? Make tentacles sprout out of my face?"

"No," answered Severus, "such things are beneath you. But killing you seems about right."

Tobias laughed again, threw Eileen into the wall, stalked over to Severus, and towered over him. "Go ahead," he whispered down into Severus's glowering face, "Let's see you try."

Severus raised his wand, but in the next moment a blinding flash of green light illuminated Tobias from behind and his expression went blank as he fell onto his face. Severus looked down, his chest heaving. Tobias was dead.

"I should have done that years ago."

Severus looked up. His mother was leaning against the couch, clutching her ribs with one hand, her hair tousled and the same line of blood streaming now into her eyes. She was staring at her her dead husband down her hooked nose, sneering faintly as if he were dog mess on the floor.

"I should have done that the first time he hit me," she said breathlessly.

"What's going to happen to us?" Severus said in a small voice. "Mum, they're going to arrest you!"

But even as he spoke, there was knock on the door.


	7. The Secret Librarian

**Chapter 7**

Severus froze as the hammering on the door became more urgent. He looked at his mother, but she was slumping face first over the back of the couch.

"Mum!" Severus cried, but she looked up at him from her cloud of tousled hair and ordered him to open the door.

"But what if it's the Ministry!" he sputtered.

"Severus!" moaned his mother.

The hammering came again. Severus crept to the door as if it might explode, closed a shaking hand on its handle, unclicked its locks, and pulled it open.

"Headmaster?" he gasped.

Indeed, Dumbledore himself twinkled at Severus momentarily down his croaked nose, but his expression became earnest as Eileen began moaning even louder.

"May I?" he said and when Severus sputtered and stepped back, he rustled into the house.

"Eileen," Severus heard Dumbledore mutter as he drew his wand over his mother's belly. "You are badly injured, fractured ribs . . . We must get you to Madame Pomfrey -- "

Eileen moaned again as Dumbledore hefted her weight against his shoulder.

"Madame Pomfrey?" asked a bewildered Severus.

Dumbledore lifted his eyebrows, "Oh, yes. Natrually." He pushed past Severus toward the door, then turned back, Eileen still moaning against him, and frowned, "Is there, perhaps, a place you might stay? You can't, of course, hide with your mother at Hogwarts as Eileen will need to disappear entirely."

"You're -- " Severus tried to compose himself and his quaking hands relaxed, "You're going to hide my mum at Hogwarts?"

"Oh, yes," Dumbledore said again, twinkling now at Severus. "It's amazing how many witches and Muggle women alike go to jail for murdering abusive husbands in self defense. I've been waiting for this to happen for quite some time."

Severus tried not to show his shock and, more keenly, his gratitude. But Dumbledore seemed to read it anyway, as if he had looked into the boy's heart. He smiled at Severus's unspoken thanks and turned with Eileen on his shoulder into the night.

Severus followed, his mind working furiously. They would have to Side-Along Apparate, he knew. For such a powerful wizard as Dumbledore, Side-Along Apparating with two people should have been quite easy, and it was.

"To Hogwarts first, I think," Dumbledore said cheerfully, stopping in the dark mouth of an alley with Eileen's groaning body against his own. "Grip my arm very tightly, Severus . . ."

Another moment and they were there. Severus, who had never Apparated before, was finding it hard to stay on his feet. Dumbledore paused to peer anxiously into his face, but after a moment's horrid retching, Severus straightened up and assured the older wizard that he was alright. They went to the gates as fastly as they could. Dumbledore lifted his wand and sent a white whisp toward the castle. There was a moment as they waited, then a lanturn bobbed down the great hill toward the gate.

"Have you thought of where you might stay?" Dumbledore asked Severus, twinkling at him.

Severus shook his head mutely, but the truth was he actually _had _thought of someone. Only, would Lily Evans -- perfect, popular, princess that she'd become -- even bother speaking to him let alone let him stay at her home?

"I see," said Dumbledore and fell silent as the person with the lanturn reached the gates.

It was their hunched caretaker, a hideous man with a hate for Muggles who'd whispered once or twice of supporting Voldemort with the Slytherins. He smiled croakedly at Severus as he tapped the chains on the gate with his wand. They slunk back, and the gates swung open.

"What's all this about?" the caretaker asked, looking a little gleefull at the sight of Eileen slumped and groaning against the headmaster. Like Peeves, he loved excitement of any sort.

"Never you mind," Dumbledore said grimly. "Go and alert Madame Pomfrey, please."

The caretaker looked sour but hobbled back up to the castle, casting curious glances over his shoulder nonetheless.

As anticpated, Madame Pomfrey was able to mend bones in a heartbeat, and Eileen was soon fast asleep in bed, her head bandaged where her late husband had struck her.

"But who is she, Dumbledore?" Madame Pomfrey whispered anxiously, watching Eileen's pale face and lanky hair. She had not seen Severus, who had been swept away to the headmaster's office at once, and therefore, had not put two and two together.

"Ah," said Dumbledore, touching the tips of his fingers together. He was seated near Eileen's bed, his legs crossed, and a magazine of knitting patterns close at hand. "Remember Madame Prunessca's recent resign?"

"That old puffed up librarian?" Madame Pomfrey said heatedly and then covered her mouth as if she'd forgottened who she was speaking to.

Dumbledore smiled, "That would be her. Madame Pince, here, is taking her place as librarian. There's a great deal of paper work involved, as she's highly experiencedand will be requesting a certain amount of pay . . ." He rose to his feet as he spoke and stretched.

"So it's off to the Ministry with you," confirmed Madame Pomfrey, nodding. "Well, I can only hope she's a site nicer than Prunessca -- " she paused again, catching herself, and Dumbledore smiled reassuringly out of the corner of his eye. "What happened to her, anyway?" Madame Pomfrey asked, flushing.

Dumbledore's expression became grave.

Madame Pomfrey gasped, "You don't mean . . .?"

"We shall have to keep it secret, Poppy. You understand. If Voldemort -- " Madame Pomfrey winced, but Dumbledore carried on as if she hadn't " -- gets wind that his escaped and highly valuable victim is currently residing in the school . . ."

"But he wouldn't dare!" gasped Madame Pomfrey, waving a hand. "Not while _you're_ here, Dumbledore, surely! You're the only one he ever -- "

"Oh, now you flatter me," Dumbledore said, shaking his head and smiling as if she were naughty. "And now I must be going. Paperwork, you see."

Madame Pomfrey nodded and tucked Eileen's sheets more tightly around her arms.

The lie served well, and Dumbledore left the hospital wing to return to his office, where Severus sat, waiting anxiously in a chair. He stood when the headmaster entered.

"Please, retake your seat, dear boy, you're mother is quite fine," Dumbledore assured him.

Relieved, Severus sat.

"But what's going to happen to us, sir?" he asked.

"Your mother will stay on at Hogwarts as Madame Pince the librarian --provided, of course, that I can persuade her to."

"And me?"

There was a pause as Dumbledore surveyed Severus over the tips of his long fingers.

"Have you no relatives?"

"None that I know of, sir," Severus said solemnly.

Dumbledore sighed. "For right now, Severus, I would like you to remain with a friend until such a time as we can provide more permanent arrangements. Your aliby shall be that you were with said friend when the accident accured and witnessed nothing of your father's death."

There was a pause as Severus consented with a mute nod, swallowing thickly.

"Yes, sir," he muttered.

"Now," said Dumbledore. "With whom would you prefer to stay? Have you a trusted friend that I can make your summer arrangements with?"

Severus stared at his own lap, debating with himself as he remembered the last time he'd seen Lily face to face and the flush on her face when he'd pushed her away. He decided at last that Lily would always have a bigger, more forgiving heart than his own.

"There's someone . . ." Severus muttered at last.

"Yes?"

"Lily Evans."

Dumbledore eyes twinkled, "Ah, the admirable Miss Evans. A wonderful choice. I shall write to her at once. I'm sure she'll be more than obliged . . ."

But Severus wasn't listening. He was thinking of Lily, his mother, and what would happen to him the following summer when he had worn out his welcome with Lily Evans.


	8. A Boy with Black Eyes

**Chapter 8**

It was raining when Severus arrived on the Evans's doorstep with Dumbledore. Severus rang the bell himself, his other hand clutching a small shabby bag of all his pitful belongings while a carboard box of his school things stood between him and the headmaster, soggying with the driving rain.

The curtain twitched aside and a girl with a horsey face and rather short, lanky hair peered out at them. She gasped to see Dumbledore, who was extraordinarily out of place in the cozy little suburb of Muggles. Dumbledore smiled serenely at her from under his tall, pointed hat. The girl's mouth fixed into a silent scream and she scattered, the curtain swishing back into place.

"Miss Evans's nonmagic sister," commented Dumbledore, still smiling serenly. "We must be kind to her. She doesn't seem to like Wizards, if I may go by a certain peer of yours."

Severus felt an angry pang surge through his heart. Precious _Potter_ had had a run-in with Lily Evans one summer and had even met her nonmagic sister. He'd spread it all over school how he'd saved her from an oncoming bus that was hurtling down the street at top speed, but instead of being grateful, Lily's sister had kicked him and fled.

Severus almost hated Dumbledore for the reminder of the person he hated most, but the next moment, the door swung open and the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen distracted him.

The man he'd seen on the platform on his first journey to Hogwarts stood smiling at them in the doorway, thin of build with balding salt and pepper hair. But it wasn't the man Severus had been taken with: Lily Evans stood beaming at her father's elbow, her glossy red hair smoothed back in a twisted bun and a house coat wrapped tight around her pajamaed legs. What Severus loved most was her tiny naked ankles above her slippered feet.

" . . . glad we could help," Mr. Evans was saying, shaking Dumbledore's hand. "Father and mother died, most unfortunate . . ." His happy, green eyes flitted toward Severus sympathetically.

"Yes, well, Severus is most fortunate indeed to have people who care for him such as Miss Evans and yourself," answered Dumbledore, twinkling down at Lily.

Lily stepped back and offered Severus her hand. "Won't you come in?" she said, smiling up at Dumbledore momentarily, but barely taking her pitying eyes off Severus.

"Yes!" called a cheery voice from the interior of the house, and a beaming woman appeared. Her rich, red hair was streaked with gray, but she was very lovely as she poured cups of tea. "I've just taken it off the stove."

"Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Evans," said Dumbledore pleasantly. "Though the offer is quite tempting, I'm cutting down on my surgar intake, you see. Must watch my figure."

Everyone laughed except Severus, who was staring at Lily's ankles, and the horse-faced girl from before. She stood in a corner of the livingroom, looking sullen as she watched the proceedings from beneath glowering brows.

"I'll be along to collect Severus for school," continued Dumbledore.

"Oh, no, it's our pleasure to take him," assured Mr. Evans, gesturing for Severus to come in.

"How generous of you," answered Dumbledore, smiling. He looked at Severus, "I trust you'll be alright?"

"Fine, sir," called Severus absently, for the sullen girl with the horse-face had caught his eye and they were glowering at each other steadily.

Dumbledore smiled, "Very well. Good night to you all." He twinkled at Lily one last time, who smiled back, then he was gone.

"You must be exhausted," said Mrs. Evans, who had no clue that Severus and the headmaster had simply Apparated onto the street corner.

"Yes . . . very . . ." answered Severus absently still. The horse-face girl had moved to his box of school things and was peering into it with her lip curled. He snarled at her and threw his arms over the open top.

"I'll get that, Severus," said Mr. Evans at once, stepping in to lift the box as his sullen daughter backed away, looking startled.

"And I'll make you up a place on the sofa," added Mrs. Evans, moving into the hall. "Lily, would you help me fetch some blankets, dear?"

Lily hurried after her mother, leaving Severus and the sullen girl alone.

"Who are _you_?" the girl demanded rudely.

She looked older than Lily, about fifteen. She was rather thin and wore a repulsive set of purple pajamas with green bunny slippers. Her ratty hair sat ontop of her head in a frizzy bun; it was clear she had tried to imitate her sister.

"Severus Snape," answered Severus coldly.

There was a pause.

"Well?" shrilled the sullen girl.

"'Well' what?" demanded Severus.

"Don't you want to know _my _name?"

Severus's lip curled. "Absolutely not," he said, seating himself in one of the armchairs.

"It's Petunia Evans!" shrilled the girl in her squeaky, rather irritating voice. She pointed a finger at Severus, "And _you_ can't sit there!"

Severus glared at her finger as if he wanted to snap it off, wondering darkly how he would last the rest of the summer.

"I can sit wherever I want," said Severus smoothly, smiling his cold, mocking smile. "Do you know why?"

Petunia stared at him warily. "Why?"

Severus leaned in and whispered, "Because I killed my parents . . . with this!" He pulled his wand out of his back pocket and waved it.

Petunia let out a shrill scream and fled the room, sobing, "Daddy! Daddy! It's another one of _them_!"

Severus heard a girl's rich laughter and looked around to see Lily standing in the entrance hall. She was beaming at him.

"So you've forgiven me, then?" said Severus uncomfortably, his voice gruff and his glittering eyes averted.

"I heard your mother is hurt and that -- that your father is dead . . ." Lily said quietly. "Oh, Severus," she said sadly, crossing the room and standing in front of him uncertainly, her hands at her sides. "I'm so sorry -- "

"Don't be," Severus cut across her. "If Mum hadn't of done it, I would."

There was silence as the crickets chirruped feverishly through the windows in the summer heat.

"Are you scared?" Lily asked in a low voice.

Severus looked up. "I've never been afraid of anyone or anything in my life," he said sharply. "Not Azkaban, not Potter, not even -- "

"Voldemort?"

"He's like me, Lily. I know you see it too!"

"He's not!" Lily cried. "You've got a chance!"

Severus scoffed and averted his eyes.

"Severus, don't join forces with him!" Lily whispered desperately. "Your interest in the Dark Arts can only lead to -- "

"Leave it, Lily!"

"It's true!" Lily fired.

"If you suspect I want to join him," Severus said, "then why are you trusting me, here, in your home? Why do you keep believing in me?" He said it with his lip curled, as if he loathed her for what he saw as her charity.

Lily flopped onto the arm of the chair and sighed, her thick lashes lowering as she thought desperately. Then she looked at Severus, "I'm trying to save you."

"From what?" Severus sneered.

"From yourself."

Severus's glittering eyes seemed to glitter with something more than the usual malice. He averted his gaze, his heart pounding wildly. He kept thinking of his mother lying in the hospital, doomed to live in hiding for the rest of her life. He kept thinking of his dismal life in general and how it had suffered with the absence of the one person who made it worth while. In truth: Lily Evans was the only real friend he'd ever had. That was one more than Voldemort.

"I believe in you, Severus," Lily whispered. "I believe in the good in you."

"Why?" Severus demanded.

"Because," Lily straightened up and smiled, "one summer when I was lonely and crying and sad, a boy with black eyes gave me a red M&M."


	9. The Boy Who Could Not Love

**Chapter 9**

No, red wasn't such a bad color after all.

The summer Severus stayed with the Evanses, his friendship with Lily was rekindled. They spent the afternoons laughing at Petunia as they frightened her, sharing Mrs. Evans's homemade Sundaes, or speculating about next's year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (they seemed to run through those).

"I'm going to teach that subject one day," Severus told Lily solemnly.

Lily was building a castle with a set of crisp playing cards, something Severus had no taste for, and so he merely watched as he flipped at random through his Dark Arts volumes, sometimes flashing a particularily gross picture across the room at Petunia, who was attempting to easedrop on the edge of the hall.

"Oh, no, you shouldn't," Lily told him, aghast. "Not after what happened to Professor Wheezler last year! To drown in the lake, an clever wizard like that . . ."

Severus snorted, "I wouldn't call poking the giant squid in the eye clever."

"He didn't do it himself!" Lily cried indignantly. "He was Imperioused! I know he was! Voldemort wanted to finish him off because he had information."

"Oh, please," Severus rolled his eyes. "You say that," he continued, turning a page idly, "because you've carried a soft spot for him since second year."

"I haven't," Lily snapped, but two red spots appeared on her cheeks, an indication that she had. "Anyway, what makes you so certain you'll last when other teachers haven't? The job is jinxed. Even Dumbledore thinks so."

"Who's to say Dumbledore is always right?" Severus said, watching Lily with narrowed eyes over the top of _Mastering and Making: Inferi and Golems._

"No body's perfect, Severus -- "

"Exactly," said Severus smoothly, turning another page with his long, pale fingers. "Even Dumbledore can be wrong about something . . . or someone . . . Here!" he said suddenly, and Lily looked up as Severus laid his book open on the table, carelessly deminishing her card castle.

"It took me two days to get it that high!" Lily cried indignantly.

Severus ignored her and read feverishly, "_'Inferi, or human remains, can be animated with a simple spell involving the spellcaster's own blood smoothed onto his or her own wand . . .'_"

Lily made a face, "Why are you reading -- ?"

"There's more!" cried Severus impatiently. "_'Inferi can be used as Animagi. The spellcaster need only perform the _Morphmagus_ spell to transform the Inferi into its animal form . . .' _Don't you see?" he cried, turning to Lily. "I can use this spell on Potter!"

"But . . ." said Lily slowly, "he's not an Animagi and he's not dead . . ."

"He is!" cried Severus, a feverish light in his eye. "Remember what happened to me last year? The Whomping Willow incident?" he said resentfully.

Lily nodded warily.

"I discovered when I went down there," he lowered his voice, " that Potter is an Animagi! I saw it! And so is that stupid Black." He turned back to his book, a satisfied, hungry gleam in his eye. "And I can use this spell to reveal him!"

"Ok," said Lily, clearly resigned to humor him. "Say Potter really _is_ an Animagi and that you saw him change -- wouldn't it have taken him _years_ to accomplish that?"

"He didn't change completely," sneered Severus. "But his head became a stag, and besides, I heard them plotting about it! That's enough to get them expelled!" He cried gleefully. "Possibly even arrested!"

Behind him, Lily shook her head.

"Even so," she said reasonbly, "I reckon Dumbledore would know, and he wouldn't want you to reveal that infomation."

Severus whirled on her. "So you're going to side with your _precious _Potter, are you? Going to take up for Dumbledore's favorite boy? I should have known," he spat.

Lily's mouth hardened, "I'm not siding with anyone! I just think you're being stupid!"

"He's no good!" Severus snapped at her. "He's a big-headed, rich, spoiled, _prat _who goes around hexing people for no reason at all -- _and you know it_!" He fired at Lily, pointing a quivering finger at her as he clutched his book to his chest. "And I'm going to stop him! I'm going to get rid of him once and for all."

"You can't go drawing attention to yourself," Lily cautioned him. "Not after your father. Don't you understand? People think that YOU killed him!"

"Maybe I did!" he cried, relishing in Petunia's squeak from the hall. "Maybe my mum's just taking the wrap."

"You didn't," Lily said. "I know you didn't."

"How do you know?" Severus grumbled. "It's not in me to love, so it must be in me to hate."

"What d'you mean you can't love?"

Severus shook his head slowly, "You don't understand. You haven't been through what I have. Sure, your sister's annoying and people used to call you a Mudblood, but both of your parents love you. They don't fight every night about what a freak you are. They love that you're a witch. Sometimes . . . sometimes I think my mum wished I were a Squib or a Muggle like my dad. Maybe then he would have loved us."

He scratched his long hooked nose to avoid Lily's eyes and lifted his book infront of his face again, but Lily reached out a hand and lowered it slowly.

"I like you the way you are," she said. "Isn't that enough to make you love me?" She smiled mischeviously, her green eyes firing, but he knew she only meant as brother and sister.

Severus blinked solemnly. After a moment of intense staring, he whispered, "You're going to fall in love someday, I can see it in your eyes." He thought of Potter and his insides wreathed angrily. "People like you always fall in love," he muttered resentfully.

"People like me?" Lily lifted her chin. "Nonsense. You're perfectly capable of falling in love, Severus. Don't ever stop believing that."

"What if I never start?"

Lily's eyes widened, "Then you won't fall in love!"

But Severus thought he _had _fallen in love.

Though he looked at Lily solemnly as they spoke or laughed or played, behind his black eyes burned emotion and longing only stifled by his fear and his hate. Ekstasis: that was what he felt for Lily, and it frightened him to know that he had this ability: the ability to love, to care, to want someone. It was there, buried deep in his heart all along, and a girl named Lily Evans had surfaced it. She had taken him out of himself.

"Love?" cried a shrill, derisive voice from the hall.

Petunia stood on the edge of the livingroom with her fists on her hips, looking sour.

"Only a mother's love could love _that_!" she cried, narrowing her eyes on Severus, whose face flushed a pallid gray in his rage as he lowered his book. "I should have known you had a crush on him. Why else would he be here?"

Petunia looked at Severus again and said as if it gave her the greatest pleasure, "Other boys have been here too, calling on my harlot sister -- "

"Shut your mouth!" cried Lily angrily, looking stung.

Petunia smiled nastily, revealing the flash of braces over very croaked, yellow teeth, "Boys with black hair, boys with glasses, boys with -- with _wands _-- dropping in for tea! Freaks, all of them!"

"Shut up!" Lily shrieked. "It would take a blind boy to come calling on you!"

Petunia stood with her hands clenched at her sides. "Ooo!" she cried angrily. "You abnormal -- you -- you freak!"

"Running out of words, are you?" scoffed Lily. "Better run off and look up more, off with you now!" she said mockingly.

"No, I have one more," Petunia said through her teeth. She seemed rather determined to hurt Lily one way or the other and the usual names weren't working. "I know what they call you at school, Lilian."

Lily went rigid in the act of drawing herself up.

Petunia smiled triumphantly, apparently aware that she was about to strike a nerve. She took a deep breath and burst, "They call you - !"

"Mudblood."

Both girls looked around. Severus was standing with his hands motionless at his sides, staring at Petunia from between long greasy curtains of hair with his glittering eyes.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Severus went on, "but the term 'Mudblood' means 'dirty blood' and, ah, you _are_ related to Lily, are you not?"

There was a pause as Severus's words sunk in, and Petunia's pale, horsey face flushed a whiter shade in her fury. Her eyes darted to her sister, who was smiling with a mixture of triumph and amusement.

"You have no power here, be gone before someone drops a house on you too!" Lily said suddenly, pretending to wave a wand.

She and Severus burst into laughter as Petunia stormed from the room, fuming, and up the stairs.


	10. Lily Hopelessly Implores

**Chapter 10**

Severus entered his fourth year at Hogwarts feeling as close to Lily as their first year at the school together. His only grievance (besides Potter and his friends) was the constant whispering that now followed him in the halls.

The story had spread at last of the disappearance of one Eileen Snape after her husband's murder. And while the Muggle police scratched their heads, the wizarding community was out for Eileen's blood. Few people knew how absusive her husband had been, and even still, the fact that she'd murdered a Muggle almost put her in direct cahoots with Voldemort himself. It was highly suspected that Eileen Snape was a Death Eater.

Severus, contrary to anyone else who would have been in his position, was most keen to spread the lie.

"That's right -- she_ is_ a Death Eater!" he would spit at a group of whispering students as he passed, who would gasp and stare after him in perfect shock before whispering even more furiously with their heads together.

With Severus's help, the lie had spread so widely that he was called to the headmaster's office on several occasions. Each time, however, Severus ignored Dumbledore's beckonings and went on with his lessons, his fueds with Potter, and his sulking. When this behavior continued it wasn't long before the headmaster had cornered him in a corridor.

"It isn't safe," the headmaster told him sternly, "both for your mother or for yourself, to spread such lies, Severus. Now -- " Dumbledore paused and contiuned on more kindly, "I know this is an ordeal for you, everything that's happened, but if you ever need anything -- _anything at all_ -- you know you can come to me."

Severus stared at the headmaster coldly, then lowered his eyes. "Yes, sir," he murmured.

"Severus."

Severus looked up. The headmaster was twinkling down on him but also frowned slightly with concern. Dumbledore placed his hand on his shoulder, seeming well aware of Severus's distaste for the gesture.

"I'm here," he said, shaking Severus slightly. He shook his head and smiled, "You aren't alone."

"Yes, sir," Severus repeated again, though less coldly.

"He's right, you know," Lily told Severus with a sniff.

They were standing on the balacony of the Owlery tower. Lily had just sent a birthday present to her mother, and Severus was jinxing a Fanged Frisbee to bite someone's head off. He jabbed his wand at it, his pale face shinning with evil delight.

"And I hope that's not for Potter," she added, eying the Fanged Frisbee out of the corner of her eye reprovingly.

"He would just as quickly do it to me," Severus snapped.

"It doesn't mean you have to -- "

"And, besides, I'll need the protection since I'm going to be living at an orphanage."

Lily looked around at him in surprise.

"That's what I said," Severus told her in a low voice, his back to her, as if he could see her out of the back of his head.

"Severus . . . I'm sorry to hear . . ."

"Of course you are," Severus said, his lip curling. He moved away before Lily could come to him and touch his shoulder. He hated being touched, even by his own mother these days.

A part of Severus was bitterly resenting Eileen for the whole mess. It was her fault, after all, for staying with Tobias, her fault for marrying him, her fault for killing him. He shouldn't have to suffer for her mistakes. But he _was_ suffering. Everyday.

When Dumbledore had told Severus about having to stay in an orphange, Severus had run from the headmaster to the library, where he'd rounded on his mother.

Eileen was looking very different these days. Lugging around books seemed to have bent her back, and she now had a new wheeze that made her hooked nose quiver. For her own protection, she even whore a stringy, black wig curled tight around her head in a ragged bun and a different pair of thick, black glasses. Her new get-up seemed to have aged her about twenty wizarding years.

Eileen looked startled. She was balancing on a step-stool as she attempted to tip a book onto its rather high place on a shelf. She stopped mid-reach, balancing on one stockinged leg, at the white look of rage on her son's face.

"Severus?" she cried in alarm, lowering the book. "What is it?"

"It's you, Mother!" he said hotly, discarding the affectionate 'Mum' of before. "How could you send me -- don't you care about me!"

"Of _course_ I care about you!" Eileen cried, cottoning on. "We can't talk about this here!" she hissed, taking her son's elbow firmly and steering him into her office.

They had barely gotten inside when Severus shook her off, looking pale and wild.

"I _won't _go to an orphanage!" he'd yelled at her. "I _won't_!"

"Severus!" Eileen cried angrily, tears standing in her eyes. "Hush!"

"Why can't I stay here?" the boy had demanded. "Why can't I stay at Hogwarts over the summ -- "

"Because it would look suspicous!"

"I hate you!" Severus cried. "How can you just cast me away!"

"Severus, please," answered his mother, her long pale face twisted in her distress. "Please . . . please . . ." she moaned as Severus continued his tirade, and began to sink to her knees on the floor. For Eileen, it was like being yelled at by her husband all over again; it was like Tobais had resurrected.

" . . . nothing to you, am I?" Severus was shouting, towering over his mother, his fists clenched. "Well, you're nothing to me! Nothing! Noth -- "

A loud slap rang through the tiny, stuffy office, and Severus froze as the blood rushed over his stung cheek. Eileen had hit him. She'd never hit him like that in his life. She had risen on her knees and was glaring at him. He realized suddenly that she was seeing Tobias, not her son. Then the realization sunk into her as well, and she began to sob afresh, reaching out to hold her son.

"Oh, Severus . . . I'm sorry, sweetheart. . . . so sorry . . ."

Severus had backed out of her reach, shaking with fury, breathing hard, and had shouted breathlessly, "I hate you and I never want to see you again!" before running from the library.

"Severus?"

Lily's voice shook Severus out of his miserable revery. He looked around. Lily was standing helplessly with her hands at her sides. He was beginning to realize that everytime she did this, she was wanting to hug him.

"Well, everyone's sorry, aren't they?" he snapped at her. "You, Dumbledore, all the miserable teachers, that Slughorn . . . They all think my mum's run off and left me. She as good as."

"Don't say that! She's doing what she can -- "

"Listen to you," Severus cut across her in digust. He whirled around. "You sound just like her. _'I'm doing my best, I care about you!'_" He regarded Lily a long time malicously, then jabbed his wand at the Fanged Frisbee to keep it from snapping off her foot at the ankle.

"And you don't have any family?" Lily asked, disregarding Severus's increasingly bad temper. She stepped out of reach of the Fanged Frisbee and jabbed her own wand at it; its jaws became glued together.

"Hey!" Severus cried angrily.

"Answer me!"

"Of course, I don't have any relatives!" Severus snapped, wrenching the Fanged Frisbee from the ground. "What's it to you, anyway? You don't really care. You're just like all the others."

"You know that's not true!" Lily cried, "You're just trying to push me away again! Severus," she went to him quickly, her red hair fanning out behind her, snatched the Fanged Frisbee from him, and tossed it from the tower. Then she grabbed his cold, pale hands before he could move. "How long have we known each other?"

"Since before school, you know that," Severus replied indifferently.

"And how long have you had feelings for me?"

Severus froze. Since the summer before when he had stayed at her house, Lily had been becoming increasingly -- strange. She was holding his hand as often as she could, kissing his cheek when he said something particularily funny, and sometimes he caught her staring at him with sparkling green eyes. Could it be . . . ? But, no, he must be mad to ever think . . . _Surely_, she couldn't like . . . ?

"Never," Severus lied.

Lily wasn't fooled. She lifted her chin, "What are you afraid of? None of the other boys have hesitated to ask me out."

"I'm not one of the other boys," Severus answered coldly, shaking her fingers off. He stepped back and folded his arms, regarding her with a malice that would have frightened a girl far more brave than Lily.

"No," she answered just as coldly, "you never have been."

They regarded each other, Lily with her chin lifted and her mouth hard, Severus with his arms folded and his eyes glittering at her steadily.

"Were you always so cold?" she said at last.

"Always," he answered solemnly. His lip curled, "Were you always so obtusely optimistic?"

"Only with you," Lily answered, smiling. "I've waited for you a long time, Severus," she said with a reminisent mixture of fondness and sorrow. "I thought maybe . . . sometimes you would look at me in a way, and I had hope."

Inside, Severus stirred guiltily, but his face remained impassive as he asked her, "Why? Why do you like me?"

It was like they were ten again.

Lily fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her fist. Severus knew before she opened it that she was holding a red M&M.

"You're pathetic," he said, trying his best to keep from laughing, but a mean smile took over his features nonetheless.

Lily smiled sadly, "I know. But there's a sweet side to you, Severus. You may get irritatingly -- well, _nasty_ --but you're smart and brave and -- and you've always been a good friend. You make an effort, even if you try to hide it."

"You amaze me," Severus said in spite of himself.

"Why?" Lily asked with round eyes.

"Your father is a very nice bloke," Severus said, "But you fall for the most extraordinary fellows. Potter, for instance -- " he said with a sneer, ignoring Lily's flushing face, "And while I'm not an idiot like Potter, I'm still . . . well -- "

"Nasty," Lily said again, crinkling her nose as she thought of all of Severus's Dark Arts books. "If you won't go out with me, Severus, that's fine," she said, making at effort to compose herself as she repocketed the red bit of candy. "But don't bring Potter into this."

Severus said nothing but continued to regard her with cold, glittering eyes. When he continued on in silence, she turned and stormed toward the stairs, but stopped and looked back with a toss of her red hair, and cried,

"And don't expect me not to go out with anyone because you won't date me!"


	11. Sectumsepra and a Half

**Chapter 11**

Lily was true to her word.

By the end of the next week, Severus walked in on her in an empty classroom with her arms tangled in the embrace of a young man. They continued to kiss as the light from a window fell in on their hair and shoulders and seemed not to have heard the door open. It wasn't until Severus dropped his books in a flurry to pull his wand that the couple broke apart, and Remus Lupin looked around and flushed with embarassment.

"Pay him no mind," Lily said, pulling Lupin closer by the sleeve.

But Lupin couldn't take his eyes off of Severus's wand. It was aimed at his throat and above it, the black eyes glittered with an inhuman light.

"Sectum --" Severus yelled.

But Lily blocked the curse and turned to him with her fists clenched.

"How _dare_ you try and use that on him!" she said angrily, red sparks firing from her wand. "How _dare_ you!"

"How dare you _kiss_ him!" Severus fired back, unreasonably.

Lily stared at him incredulously, "What, you won't date me so no one else is allowed to either?"

Lupin squirmed to grab his things, looking keen to escape from the room.

"Not so fast!" Severus cried, and Lupin fell hard onto his back.

"Leave him alone!" Lily cried angrily, and a golden light exploded from her wand.

Severus was blasted over the desks and against the door. He struggled to sit up, blood trickling from his hairline, as Lupin hurried from the room, looking guilty. He paused for Lily in the doorway, but her eyes were fixed on Severus as he pulled himself up, looking livid with rage. When it was clear Lily would not follow, Lupin hurried away.

"You don't want to do this," Severus warned her.

"Ha! I think you're the one who'd better back down," Lily told him. "I'm just as good as you in dueling."

"And other things too, apparently," Severus sneered.

"_Oooo_!"

A red jet of light shot toward Severus, but he ducked and it burned a hole in a nearby desk instead.

"You're so muddled from having your tongue halfway down Lupin's throat that you can't even aim properly!" Severus said in disgust, aiming a curse at Lily that locked her legs together.

She hopped on the spot, outraged.

"It _would_ have been _your _throat I had my tongue down if you weren't so mean and nasty!" she growled back, and a blue jet of light made Severus's hands begin to slap his own face in a wild frenzy.

Lily threw back her head and laughed, but the action made her topple backward onto the floor and her wand rolled away. When she attempted to slyther after it, Severus stepped on it, but it was so bendy it didn't break; it merely lay squashed under his foot. He stared down at Lily through the constant slapping of his hands on his face, and she looked up at him.

"Am I really -- OUCH! -- mean and nasty? -- OW!"

"Yes, you are!" Lily fired. "I tried to ask you out, but you were so unkind! And then when I went with someone else, you tried to use the dirtiest spell you could think of on him!"

"But _Lupin_ of all people? -- OW!" Severus demanded. "AH! Next you'll be dating Potter! -- OUCH!"

"Never!"

"Liar!"

"I am not! He's a bully and prat. I'd rather date the hideous caretaker!"

"No one would rather date the hideous caretaker."

They laughed.

"Well," Severus said reluctantly, "I can stand just about anyone except Potter -- OUCH!"

"Truce?"

"Truce," Severus said, rolling Lily's wand toward her arm with his toe.

Lily released herself of the spell, stood up, and brushed herself off.

"Hey!" Severus called when Lily brushed past him toward the door. "Aren't you going to -- OUCH! -- call this off? -- ARGH!"

Lily watched him a moment, smiling meanly.

"No," she said at last, "I think I'll take a leaf out of your book." And she marched from the room with her chin up, leaving Severus in anything but ecstasy.


	12. A Nott

**Chapter 12**

At the orphange the following summer, Severus did all that was in his power to make the other children loath and fear him. While he couldn't perform magic during the summer holidays, he nonetheless made it his business to walk about muttering spells under his breath or flashing the titles of particularily gruesome Dark Arts books. It wasn't long before the other children left him alone entirely and even the adults' voices trembled in the slightest when they spoke to him.

And as alone as Severus felt in his new world, it wasn't long before he found someone as magical as himself in the orphange. The boy's name was Alexander Nott, a thin rather sneaky boy with dark lanky hair and a glowering disposition. Severus happened to look in on him hexing a little girl into frog spawn. The door had been cracked open and he'd heard the girl's shrieks in passing as she was transformed back and forth. At the sight of Severus, Alexander Nott quickly changed the little girl back into her true form, pocketed his wand, and sent her scampering tearfully from the room.

"Alexander Nott," said the boy, looking Severus up and down with his sly, blue eyes. He stepped forward and offered his hand, "You must be that new bloke, the other kid from Hogwarts."

Severus said nothing and stared with disgust at the other boy's hand.

Alexander lowered it, still watching Severus with his sly eyes. "Yeah, I heard you were a bit stuck up. And mean. People say you're mean."

Severus's lip curled, "I'd tell you what people say about you, but as no one's ever heard of you . . ."

Instead of glowering, the boy threw his head back and laughed. It was a nasty, gruff laugh, rather the way a snake would laugh if it could. He shoved his hands in his pockets, continuing to watch Severus as if he found him amusing.

"Is that what you do for fun around here?" Severus asked reluctantly at length. "Torture Muggles?"

"It's a hobby," Alexander answered, narrowing his eyes evilly. He shrugged, "Keeps me occupied."

"But don't you get in trouble with the Ministry?"

Alexander laughed again. "The Ministry? You've _got_ to be kidding me. They're almost as stupid as the Muggles. When there's more than one underage wizard in an area, they can't tell who done the magic, see?"

"I see," Severus said almost to himself, a spark in his eye.

Alexander nodded, "Now you get it. A few other magic kids live in this area, though not the orphange, of course. We're the only ones of _our _kind here." His nose crinkled with distaste, as if he couldn't bear even the thought of being surrounded by so many Muggles.

"Eh, want to know a secret?"

"No," answered Severus characteristically and entered the room, peering with narrowed eyes at its contents.

The room was rather small and shabby with a grubby bed in one corner and several yellowed newspaper clippings pasted to the walls. Each clipping featured an article surrounding Voldemort's latest excursions at the time and the Ministry's feeble retaliations.

Alexander went on as eagerly as if Severus had answered yes, "There's going to be a secret meeting this summer. Down near that old cabin by the lake in that park. . . ."

Severus ignored the boy as he examined the newspaper clippings on the walls, the trinkets set on the lopsided cabinet, the Dark Art's books that held one corner of a chair up. He suddenly snatched one of the clippings down from the wall and with glittering eyes balled it up. It was an article about his mother and the murder she'd commited the summer before last.

" . . . lots of kids will be there too, kids like us," Alexander was saying, his sly eyes narrowed hungrily. "And Death Eaters. There'll be Death Eaters."

The words made Severus's head snap around.

"What did you say?"

Alexander looked evilly delighted, "Death Eaters, my friend. Didn't I mention? _He's_ the reason for the gathering! He 's recruiting. Where have you been?"

"Death Eaters . . ." whispered Severus, unfurling the newspaper clipping once more.

If he had been a Death Eater, if he had been in Voldemort's circle, his father would never, never . . . Tobias would have fled out of fear and he and Eileen could have lived in peace, he wouldn't be in the orphanage, none of it would ever have happened. Severus threw the clipping away with sudden violence. It would never happen again! No one would ever bully him, ever touch him --

Severus spun around to face Alexander, "I'm coming."

A sly smile spread over Alexander's face, making his blue eyes into slits.


	13. The Meeting at the Lake

**Chapter 13**

It wasn't until Lily appeared outside the orphange the night of the secret meeting that Severus remembered the owl she'd sent him. She'd expressed a desire to come and visit him and was obviously under the impression that her friend was quite miserable. When he saw her fiery hair gleaming in the dark as she rushed forward, he and Nott stopped short.

"Oh no," Severus muttered impatiently as Lily hurried toward them, beaming, her trainers thumping the pavement.

"Who's she?" demanded Nott, apparently in ecstasy. He was gazing at Lily as if he'd never seen a prettier girl. Then as Lily ran beneath the white hoop of a street light, he pointed and cried excitedly, "That's Lily Evans! But I thought she was dating that skinny kid -- Dupin or Mupin or something of the like." He looked at Severus with round eyes, "She's dating _you_?"

Severus didn't answer. He waited for Lily to reach them, then took her forearms and dragged her into the shadows of the building.

"What is it?" Lily said, seeing his look of impatience and obvious irritation.

Severus's black eyes flashed as he checked over his shoulder to see if any lights in the orphange windows had come on. All were dark.

"Who's that?" Lily demanded a little loudly in disgust as Nott wagged his eyebrows at her and smiled like an sly old fox beside Severus.

"Shh! Lily, listen!" Severus hissed, shaking her forearms until her red hair fluttered into her eyes. "About tonight -- "

But Lily brushed him off and composed herself. She seemed to guess already what Severus would say.

"You're brushing me off," she said over him, her chin lifted with dignity. "After I came all this way you're just going to brush me off. Well, what is it for?"

Severus merely stared at her with his hands limp at his sides, his eyes glittering.

"Oh, I see," she said, slowly, angrily, "You're not even going to tell me. Just going to let me travel all this way _and for nothing_! Why do I even bother? It's obvious you don't want to be close to anyone. I'm you're best friend and yet it's like I knew nothing about you -- and what I _do_ know I know by accident!"

Her voice became angrier and angrier, rose louder and louder, until Severus stepped forward suddenly and pressed her to the wall with his hand over her mouth. One of the windows on the second floor burst suddenly with a buttery yellow light that flooded the street and sidewalk with its square glare. The three teenagers leaned rigidly against the wall, waiting for the silhouette to disappear from the window. When it didin't, Nott raised his wand and aimed it at a passing cat, which gave a horrible yowl and streaked under a car across the street.

The shape in the window seemed to find the cat's yowl a satisfactory explaination for the noise and turned its light off again.

Lily shoved Severus off angrily, "How _dare _you -- "

"Shut up!" Severus snapped.

"No, _you_ shut up, Severus, I've had it with you!"

"Just tell her where we're going," butted in Nott, watching Lily with apparent delight as he scratched his nose with his wand. "Then she can come along -- and you both can shut up," he added pleasantly.

Both Severus and Lily glowered at him.

"You don't understand," Severus said irritably, "She's not like us -- she wouldn't want to come -- "

Lily was watching them both with narrowed eyes.

"Severus . . ." she said slowly. "by 'like us' do you mean -- ?"

"You're not coming," Severus said to her sharply, and turned on his heel and jogged across the street.

"I hate you!" Lily shrieked after him as Nott wagged his fingers at her and followed Severus.

Severus called over his shoulder, "You don't!" and in the next moment had disappeared with Nott between two houses.

"I know I don't," Lily said to herself, almost pouting. "That's why I'm going to stop you!" she cried suddenly, and ran across the street and into darkness.


	14. The HalfBlood Prince Strikes

**Chapter 14**

Lily rushed into the night, hardly daring to breathe as she followed the tale of Nott's jacket around this corner, the whip of his shoelace into that alley. They were headed toward the park, she realized, and what's more toward the lake. She paused, crouched behind a group of trash bins as Severus paused on the edge of an alley with Nott, his hand lifted for silence. They stood silently thus for several minutes, and once Severus even peered over his shouder at the trash bins, his eyes narrowed, but seeing nothing had hurried on with Nott at his heels.

The two boys leapt a low fence and their trainers crunched across the crisp summer grass. Alexander Nott could not keep himself from sniggering in his mounting excitement and had to be jabbed by Severus three times. Lily let them get a fair distance ahead before she ran forward, leapt the fence, and followed at a good distance, creeping from sparse tree to tree and pausing to watch the boys hurry toward the lake.

In the distance, mist spiraled off of the lake's surface and pressed against a small, lopsided cabin with one window, which at the moment was dark. On a nearby jetty stood a gaggle of whispering teenagers, their hands in their pockets, their wands sticking from various pockets and belthoops. Severus and Nott hurried toward them and soon blended into the crowd like drops of moisture dripped into a pond.

Lily gasped at a closer distance to see so many boys from her school there: all were from Slytherin. She recognized one boy as a Black, Sirius's little brother in fact. Other teenagers she knew from school were there as well: Macnair, a boy with a certain sick disposition for animal cruelty, Dolohov, Crabbe, and a young blonde boy with a rather haughty air: Lucious Malfoy. There was only one boy she did not recognize and that was because he kept his hood up, but he was rather tubby and short and rubbed his hands very often . . .

Then a light came on in the window of the cabin and the door was flung open. The boys instantly fell silent and turned, watching as a tall man filled the doorway. Lily chanced a quick run towards a closer tree, waited a moment, and peered around it. She had to stifle a gasp. It was clear the man in the doorway was a Death Eater. He wore a white skull mask and a long billowing black robe. He held his arms wide open.

"Who will be the first to become a servant of the Dark Lord?"

While most of the older boys shuffled forward, fighting to be first, a small crowd of them hesitated. Sirius's brother and Lucious Malfoy were among those hesitating. Lily's heart sank to see Severus break from the crowd and somehow manage to reach the masked man in the doorway. He was standing with his chin lifted, a sort of defiant look on his face as far as she could tell. He smirked over his shoudler at Nott, who had been quite keen to be first, and marched purposely toward the door.

"That's it, that's it," said the man in the doorway approvingly. He stepped back and aside for Severus to enter and then the door closed.

The other boys stood outside complaining in low voices.

"No," Lily whispered, aghast. "No!" She completely lost her senses and flew in plain view toward the door, her wand out.

The boys waiting outside watched her in astonishment, and a few even stepped forward angrily.

"Hey, you can't -- !"

"What d'you think you're -- !"

"You can't go in -- !"

But each boy was blasted aside by Lily's wand. She tried _Alhomora _on the door, but it wouldn't budge, even after she tried _Bombarda_. At last, she hurried around the side of the cabin, still firing hexes at those boys who pursued her, and busted the already cracked glass in the window.

"Why didn't I think of that before?" she muttered, staring at the rock in her hand. She came to her senses again with a shake of her head, and threw the rock at the oncoming boys. It caught Nott in the face and he staggered back, taking the other boys down like dominoes.

Shouts of outrage were coming from inside the cabin, and when Lily looked in it was all she could do not to topple over unconscious on the spot or retch into the grass. There was a large, ornately carved wooden chair against the cabin wall, and seated in it rather like a king was a tall, thin, snakelike man with red eyes slitted rather like a snake's and a face so smooth and pale it was almost entirely devoid of facial features. The Death Eater from before stood at his arm, along with two others who were standing guard beside the door.

The man in the chair was holding Severus by the forearm, his wand touching the inside of his wrist as if he were drawing something there. Severus, meanwhile, stood looking very pale and drained, very weak as his face twisted in pain. Lily was shocked to see the blood dribbling down his arm, the sway of his unsteady legs, and finally: the black skull newly engraved on his flesh.

Voldemort nodded nonchantly toward the window and ordered in a fierce hiss, "What are you waiting for? Kill her!"

Lily screamed and ducked as several killing curses flew toward her. The boys waiting outside had recouperated and were upon her in a flash. Nott in particuliar took delight in lifting her with his arms around her waist and carrying her off with the other boys around the cabin. The door opened and the three Death Eaters emerged, gliding like dementors across the swishing grass. Voldemort stood in the door- way behind them, his arms folded as he watched the boys hold a struggling Lily down on the grass with narrowed eyes.

"No, not _you_!" Voldemort said suddenly, sharply, to the Death Eater who was raising his wand over Lily. His eyes hadn't moved from Lily's struggling body. Her helplessness seemed to delight him. He gestured carelessly over his shoulder and addressed someone in the cabin, "You!"

Severus had been left bleeding on the cabin floor. His face was pressed weakly into a pool of his own blood and he lifted it groggily as Voldemort turned and said harshly with spit flying from his mouth, "Get up!"

Severus did as he was told. Unsteadily, he climbed to his feet and exited the cabin. Someone shoved his wand into his hand and another person squeezed his shoulders and pushed him infront of Lily.

He recognized Nott's voice in his ear and sneered faintly as he heard the other boy hiss with delight, "_I envy you_!"

Lily was staring up at him, her face a mixture of outrage and fear. She watched with her heart hammering in her ears as Voldemort said quietly to Severus, "Kill her."

Severus's hand was shaking. His wand trembled as he lifted it, struggling to point it at Lily.

Lily watched with wide, horrified, disbeliving eyes as Severus, his face etched in lines of hatred, pointed his wand at her chest and yelled the killing curse. A jet of green light blasted her, her chest thrust forward as if she was having a fit, and she collapsed in the grass, her mouth a silent scream.


	15. His Shero

**Chapter 15**

Lucious Malfoy stared at Lily's body with a hungry gleam in his eye.

"Very good."

Severus turned to see Voldemort smiling approvingly, his arms still folded and his red snake-eyes glinting in the darkness. He lifted a long fingered hand, stepped forward, and rested it on Severus's hair. Severus tried not to flinch as the icy, seemingly lifeless fingers touched him.

"_This_," he said to everyone present, "is a servant. Anyone who obeys me is my servant and . . ." his mouth twitched as if he were about to relate a spectacular joke, "my friend."

The boys watched Voldemort now with a mixture of hunger and fear, and when he turned back into the cabin, they were being admitted two at a time, they were so eager.

"Wicked!" Nott said appreciatively, clapping Severus hard on the shoulder. "I wish he'd picked me! I could have done it!" he added, almost sulking but grinning ear to ear just the same.

Severus wasn't listening. He was staring at Lily's still body, his eyes glittering.

"What? Don't tell me you feel bad!" hissed Nott in an undertone, his eyes darting at the others for fear of being overheard. "Stop staring at her like that, they'll notice!"

He tried to steer Severus away but was shoved off so hard that he slammed into a few of the other boys. Nott righted himself and stared at Severus in disbelief.

"Fine!" he cried, sweeping his dark hair out of his eyes. "Get yourself in trouble! Don't say I didn't warn you!" and he stalked off.

Severus knelt down and lifted Lily's body in his arms. Without another word, he turned and walked away with her.

"Yes, he'd better get rid of the body, hadn't he?" asked a shrill, nervous voice Severus recognized as Peter Pettigrew's.

But Severus was too intent on Lily at the moment to care.

He marched on, her limp form in his arms, her red hair fanning in the breeze. Her arms and feet dangled pathetically as he walked purposefully across the grass, and he couldn't help breathing the flowery scent of her hair as it lifted in his face. He could remember not long ago telling Lily how red wasn't a bad color after all, and it stung him how many times he'd taken their friendship for granted. Even now when he was beyond hope, she had put her life on the line to save him. If that wasn't bravery, if that wasn't friendship, he didn't know what it was.

The feverish whispers outside the cabin soon faded as Severus reached the darkness of the streets. He passed beneath their floodlights meeting no one on the way, Lily's body limp in his arms, still warm, still beautiful.

He sighed to think that it had come to this, that in his desperation to become not the bullied but the bully, he'd had to wind up with her so lifeless in his arms. Why, why, _why_ hadn't he put her back on the Knight Bus and sent her home? For surely she'd taken the Knight Bus to reach the orphange. Did her parents know she was gone yet? And what would they say if they could see their daughter pale and staring in his arms as he moved through the quiet streets? They wouldn't say anything. They would fall to their knees and cry, and Petunia would have a field day.

"I hate you!" she had screamed as he'd run into the night, but she hadn't meant it. If she'd hated him she would never have run to his rescue like that. But how many times had he tried to make it clear: he was beyond love, he was beyond compassion, he was beyond hope. But even as Severus thought miserably of how he'd pushed his darkening soul to its limits, he knew that deep down within there were still those old feelings for Lily.

"Ekstasis," Severus whispered sadly, his eyes glinting with more than the usual malice as he turned onto the street where the orphange stood. "Ekstasis might have saved me if I'd given in to it . . ."

But his feet carried him past the ophange, past his new life into his past. He went faster and faster, his feet shufflling quickly, his black eyes hard in his determination. Then he came upon a sidewalk flanked with benches in a closeknit town square. There was the ice cream place to his left, there was the closed pub to his right, and directly infront of him were the two trees between which he had laid eyes on Lily Evans for the first time. Severus laid her on the grass beneath the two trees and touched her throat lightly with his wand.

Lily gave a huge gasp so that the veins stood out in her neck and looked around, her eyes wide. She sat up on her elbows, then fell back as if this was too much, clutching her head.

"Severus?" she said in wonder, her eyes still large even as she frowned. "Severus, what happened to me?"

Severus couldn't keep himself from smiling as he told her gently, "I killed you."

Lily stared at him, "You -- you what?"

"Well, not really," admitted Severus, stepping back and rising from his knees.

A moment later, Lily joined him, though she still looked groggy.

"Then what happened?" she asked again, clutching her head.

"I only made it _look _like you were dead," Severus explained. "You know how Muggles have those poisons that can make a person look dead -- even to a doctor?" He didn't wait for Lily to answer. "I sort of invented a spell that would do the same thing. Non Verbal. I said it in my head while I shouted the killing curse."

"Severus," Lily whispered in awe and gave a dry sort of laugh. "You're a genius!" and she threw her arms around his neck.

Severus was so startled that at first he did not throw her off, but merely stood allowing the hug to happen while his own hands remained limp at his sides. And then slowly, he lifted his hands and patted Lily uncertainly on the back.

"You're going to get in so much trouble," Lily sobbed, pulling back to gaze, terrified, at her friend. "He's going to punish you for this! He'll find out, don't you see?"

"Bother him," snapped Severus, but he felt his skin crawl nonetheless. "I'll never tell him how you survived the killing curse. Never."

"How?"

"I'll become an Occlumens."

Lily stared at him doubtfully.

"I will! You'll see!"

"Severus," she said after a moment, "This is the end of things, isn't it?"

She knew without really having to ask that there would be no more secret meetings in the library, no more talks in the owerly tower, no more strolls through Hogsmeade. They couldn't be friends anymore, for Severus had a new and more dangerous set of friends now.

"I don't want this to end. Tell me we can still go on being friends?"

As if in reply, Severus whispered in disgust, "Mudblood!"

Lily's mouth fell open, tears running down her cheeks as she stared at him.

"You heard me, "Severus hissed, taking a step closer and shoving his long nose into her face. "Mudblood!" he cried again. "What was I thinking, being friends with the likes of you!"

"Severus . . .?"

"Get lost!" he screamed, trodding on her feet as she staggered back.

Lily steadied herself against the two trees behind her and stared at him with a mixture of wonder and anger.

"I know what you're trying to do -- " she began heatedly.

"Mudblood!" Severus shrieked again, a mad light in his eye. He grabbed Lily's shoulders and shoved her hard.

Lily fell to the ground, righted herself, and stared at him in disbelief. Severus advanced on her, his screams of "Mudblood" rising louder and louder. Soon, he had mixed "I hate you!" with the phrases "Get lost!" and "Filthy Mudblood!" Lily was staggering away from him as he advanced, her mouth open, apparently unable to believe the things Severus was saying.

" . . . and don't ever speak to me again!" he was screaming as Lily finally turned and fled across the street, sobbing into her hands.

She turned on the opposite street corner, her hair whipping her in the face, and glowered at him before raising her wandhand and getting swept off by the Knight Bus.

Severus had merely watched her flee as he stood on one of the many benches in the park, his hands shoved into his pockets and his eyes glittering impassively. She'd dropped something as she ran, and stooping from the bench, he bent and plucked it from the grass. It was the red M&M of course, the symbol of their friendship which Lily had cherished so much. She had never known -- would never know -- how much he'd cherished their friendship as well.

Severus turned, shoved his hands in his pockets, and headed back for the orphange, feeling with a guilty twinge that maybe he'd done the right thing in ending their friendship, maybe driving Lily away had been the only way he could have saved her. In sacrificing his own happiness, maybe he'd saved her -- and maybe the world wasn't such a bad place when a young teenage girl was willing to die for her friend. Maybe.

Curtain Fall.


End file.
